RESOLVING SEXUAL DISTORTIONS
Just because you CAN eat more, and want to, doesn’t mean you should.
Just because you CAN get paid for that job, and want the money, doesn’t mean you should.
Just because you CAN have sex, and want to, doesn’t mean you should.
Every decision we make is an allotment of our sexual energy.
The animal within us is designed to make impulsive decisions based on the fight/flight/freeze/f*ck brain
In fact, it’s no mistake that the f*ck impulse often resembles and even sounds like a fight.
It’s no coincidence that people are addicted to masochistically receiving pain, or to sadistically inflicting it.
These impulses are created by trauma, which is a chronic engagement of the brain’s fear center.
From the standpoint of our bio-computer, there is no difference between a fear and a craving. Both represent our relationship with power as an external force.
In the work that I do, people expose to me their deepest vulnerabilities. Their most tender pains.
It is of the utmost importance that I ensure the deepest possible clarity of my sexual energy.
On the one hand, suppressing my animal instincts is harmful. They must be thoroughly acknowledged, understood, and felt.
On the other hand, these instincts must be adequately dealt with BEFORE those healing experiences so as to maintain rapport and safety for myself and each individual.
Self-control and emotional regulation means making a firm decision, creating firm boundaries with ourselves, in regard to our values. Our values are literally ‘who we are’. We can only trust ourselves and trust our values if we are aware of them.
I feel temptation often. Many women (not all) test my integrity, consciously or unconsciously, multiple times per day. I know all the tricks. The damsel in distress. The oral movements. The subtle invitations. One could say that the temptation I’m feeling is an empathic experience of the temptation they are feeling.
The part that makes this complex is when they believe they ‘want’ me, where in reality what they usually want at a deeper level is simply to be seen and felt.
The self-control on my part must click in and remind me regularly that it actually has nothing to do with me. Any desire I have to feel special and wanted is an animalistic response to the empathic experience we’re sharing.
One of the fundamental misunderstandings regarding sexuality is that we need a partner to experience it. There’s nothing non-sexual about us. Every step we take relies on sexuality. Our forward movement is our very being making sweet love to life.
Sexuality has been simultaneously grossly underestimated and overestimated at the same time. Underestimated, in that it exists in our whole lives and not just in the bedroom. Overestimated when the physical intimacy is taken for granted as some sort of cure-all, and not having its motivations more deeply questioned.
The seeking of pleasure is one of the most fundamental scarcity based addictions of humanity, because it depends on the avoidance of pain. No one who is in a state of play (our natural state) will ever insist on locating more pleasure.
When I experience a woman approaching me from the motivation of unconscious pain, it can still feel flattering. Her playfulness can appear completely genuine, even to herself, not realizing it’s a persona designed to manipulate my animal aspects.
It would be quite harmful for me to engage in the vast majority of impulses I feel. Those impulses are most often not in integrity with my soul. If my presence, for example, were significantly deeper than the presence of my partner…a sexual relationship without a commitment would cause a re-traumatization of the belonging wound which causes the sexual addiction in the first place. The ‘toxic masculine’ aspect of a man’s animal aspect has no problem using and discarding a woman as a disposable piece of meat. Obviously, this is not a sustainable practice for society.
The real opportunity is in the acknowledgement of a man’s own pain which fuels this objectified temptation to use and discard.
Practices like polyamory capitalize on the existence of this wounding, justifying it as normal human behavior simply because of a lack of trauma resolving tools. Nothing is ‘wrong’ with any sort of sexual perspective, there are simply varying levels of depth that each individual may or may not be ready to assimilate.
To me, the real question is: Does an individual want to meet a need, or to resolve it? Most people are deeply afraid of resolving needs. A need coming to completion is the ultimate freedom, and yet from the perspective of scarcity this concept can feel like a trap. The incredible irony in this confusion is unmistakable, when the emotional freedom appears to be a trap.
What if I’m not walking around craving sex anymore? Then what? Will anyone still want me? How can I be attractive if I’m not driven to procreate?
This freedom is the space in which our power can be fully honored and expressed. Our energy can be focused in totality, free of the need for approval. No longer do we obsess about how we are perceived.
It would be irresponsible to idealize or condemn anyone’s current state or status. We are where we are. So this brings about the practical question of, what do I do with this information? The key for all transcendence lies in paradox. Touching upon and holding multiple realities simultaneously.
I control and regulate my primal urges, except for the times I choose to fully let them loose and experience them to their core.
I operate with impeccable precision and thoughtfulness, except for the times when I choose to embody the wildness of my rabid beast.
I focus on my breathing as a sustainable means of distributing my sexual energy, except for the times in which I choose to focus on tearing a loved one’s clothes off.
Remember that attachment will more than likely result from your physical intimacy, but also no need to be obsessed about it.
Allow for the reality that sexual ‘needs’ are illusions based on trauma, and yet we can also create devotional spaces in which to give ourselves permission to explore those deepest desires.
It’s important too that we understand that we must psychologically individuate before we can spiritually awaken. The emotional function of sex is for the purpose of achieving individuation. This is why it remains relevant, even in light of all I’ve shared here. It’s not a story completing tool, but it is an individuation cultivation modality. This is exactly why teenagers start becoming curious about sex, because that’s our primary individuation stage of development. Sex cravings are sourced from the inner teenager aspect of the nervous system.
There are many tools for accomplishing true need resolution. It won’t be likely to occur through reading material.
One of the main points here is that Sex is NOT needed to heal sexual wounding. The DaoPlay personal theater experience that I facilitate is one such tool and opportunity for going deeper in a safe way. Feel free to connect with me about scheduling an experience, or I can help find you another way which feels right for you.